me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
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About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
estão todos miauvindo?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*