Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

Hey! This isn’t my car!

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.