Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*