Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

I think I’ll stand