Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
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Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive