Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.