Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
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My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
me when i see my girls butt
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//