Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

These dogs look like they have good credit.

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

Lube but for my dry humor.