Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

I support this random dude and all his protests

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]