Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

They did not miss in the small print

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.