My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
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“The concept of romantic love is obsolete in the modern era” I declare loudly to no one in particular as I grab for another dinner roll.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Taken 3 ~ It All Ends Here
Taken 4 ~ Listen, We’re Just As Surprised As You Are
Taken 5 ~ Whaaaaat!? Yep…
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I’m just looking for a woman who’s smart, funny, sexy and can drive me to a bank heist today at 3pm
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.