Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up![]()
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Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
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Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
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[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.