Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

This guy’s not having it 😆

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

ㅤ

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?