Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

🤣

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”