Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”