Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Joker was right

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.