Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.