Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

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I really should learn to say “congratulations” instead of “are you keeping it?”


Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.


They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron


*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish


*Doctor finishes the exam*

“I have bad news. If you box again it will kill you”

“I’m so mad I could pun-”

*Doctor looks over his glasses*


If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?


Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.


Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.


Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.


I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”