@lisaxy424

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

You Might Also Like

@Hormonella

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

@bananagrvyrd

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

@mattZillaaaa

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

@MoistPork

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

@mack44_d

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

@delome10

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

@maryfairybobrry

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

@joshcomers

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.