Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
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My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?
*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.