Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total