me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
You Might Also Like
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
