me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
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car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
sweet dreams💖
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”