Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

Boom, boom, ching!

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.