Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

choose your gary

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse