Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
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me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
this got me crying😭😭
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
just gave your address to some spiders
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Bartenders are just boneless bars
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator