Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
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I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Introverted vegans go meetless
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.