Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
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You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it