Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
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If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
seems like a niche market
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?