Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.