me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
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My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*