Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.