Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

he chose this

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

All food is good if you spell it wrong

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*