Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.