Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
![]()
You Might Also Like
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Life cycle of cat
![]()
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them