Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

This is hilarious….

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

scenes of unspeakable carnage

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!