Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
You Might Also Like
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal