ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
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He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
They did not miss in the small print
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
When libraries troll their patrons.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?