ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
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[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.