Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

found a horse’s reddit account

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors