ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
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Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I’m having an out of money experience.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.