ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
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I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air