ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
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Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.