ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
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He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.