me before I type out affect or effect
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Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
