me before I type out affect or effect
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Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
the composer
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.