me before I type out affect or effect
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
How it started: How it’s going:
