Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

no regrets

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

I am yelling

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

May never get over this

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife