Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
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Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I am never leaving this website
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”