Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.