Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

My wedding will be open casket.

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO