Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

[eats all your cotton candy]

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

I have a place for everything. The floor.

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.