Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

Teach your children to beatbox

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.