Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
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TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
There is no try. There is only give up.
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion