Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
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GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
#parenting
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out