Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
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You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Any refunds available?…
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
he’ll never suspect a thing
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Orange cat behavior 😂