Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
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How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.