Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

just having fun

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.