Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes