Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
What personal space?
My dog
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
#Caturday
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
