Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
ugh not again
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
