Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
