Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
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I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.