Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
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Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Wife: *laying seductively on bed in lingerie* “C’mere baby”
Me: “OMG. Get off that bedspread. The hotel doesn’t wash those”
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Everything that’s in sights.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
[points at bank account]
“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.