Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
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CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”