Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about