me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
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I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy