Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit