Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

sir, my pâté if you please

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.