Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

Help

So many pants.
So little yoga.

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh