ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
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My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
motivation
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Spring of Deception