ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
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I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
this isn’t threatening at all
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Unexpected Judgment
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Guilty! 🤪
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.