ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

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me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too


Damn my stomach is making really weird noises…I’m gonna go ahead and send a donut down there to check things out.


One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?


[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.


Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?


I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much


and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE