Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica