Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

My apartment is a mess, I should move

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

Who’s your best friend?

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

found a horse’s reddit account