Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

…

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero