Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash