Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
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Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
meow
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Mornin
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.