Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
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We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I don’t hate children, just yours.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Labreador
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.