me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
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Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”